INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS
THE BLOOM SERIES
jessica
I think most people assume just because I am in an interracial relationship, that I have anti-racism figured out. That is definitely not the case. I am still on my own journey of learning and unlearning certain behaviors. Due to recent events, I feel that being in an interracial relationship can be perceived as “trendy” on social media. I also have noticed a lot of posts of interracial couples receiving comments like “#relationshipgoals” “BLM” or a black heart emoji. I love seeing the positivity and support, but in my opinion, this doesn’t do much for anti-racism. Anti-racism isn’t just posting supportive comments on social media or sharing a post. Anti-racism is the active process of identifying and eliminating racism.
I will admit, I didn’t always understand the true definition. I thought that by being in an interracial relationship and disapproving of racist behavior, that was good enough. As I started to understand the definition of anti-racism, I realized I was wrong. I started realizing that if I wanted to support anti-racism, I needed to actually DO something.
I do believe I have a better understanding of systemic racism and ultimately it is motivated by my relationship. My motivation to become educated stems from the love I have for my partner, but it is not his job to educate me. If I really want to be an anti-racist, I have learned that I need to do the work myself. I need to self reflect and discover areas of improvement on my own.
As cheesy as it sounds, when Zach and I met there was a spark that could only be compared to fireworks. We fell in love quickly and became inseparable. I was so drawn to his beautiful smile and his optimistic spirit. We were young and naturally a little immature, so it was hard for us to see there would ever be challenges. When two people raised in completely different environments join their lives together there are bound to be challenges. Early on, we really didn’t understand that. In college, I felt like Zach saw me as spoiled, but in reality I just didn’t recognize my privilege and unconscious bias.
Looking back, there were several microaggression comments I made. He would politely correct me and it made me feel defensive. I have learned that correction isn’t something to get defensive about. If I truly want to grow, I need to accept responsibility and learn from my mistakes. Once we grew up a little, we realized that unfortunately due to the difference in our skin colors, we have different advantages and disadvantages in life. This is a fact and we can’t hold that against each other. We have learned that we now have the opportunity to build our own life together. We get to base our foundation as a family from values we believe in as a couple.
Being in an interracial relationship makes me so proud. Due to systemic racism, I recognize that because of the color of Zach’s skin he has had a disadvantage in life from the day he was born. He has worked so hard and has done everything in his power to chase his dreams. Being in an interracial relationship also makes me feel responsible to change. I sometimes worry that I am going to let him down with any unconscious bias I may have. I have realized in order to better myself, I need to accept that it may be uncomfortable sometimes and that is okay.
The current racist issues going on in our country have absolutely altered conversations in our relationship. When I first saw the video of the murder of George Floyd, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I did what I always do when something is bothering me, and I went to Zach for comfort. In hindsight, I realized me feeling overwhelmed is nothing compared to what black people go through everyday just for being who they are. I get to wake up everyday and choose if I want to deal with the emotions of witnessing racial injustice. After some reflection I realized I handled the situation wrong. Instead of dumping my feelings on Zach, I should have simply asked, “how are you feeling?” I should have asked, “how can I show up better for you as your partner?”
From my own perspective, the most uncomfortable situations I face are when I hear microaggressions or racial slurs that friends or family members make. This is a current internal battle I am trying to overcome. How do I politely call out the people I love? Again, I recognize I need to get over being uncomfortable and do what is right. I can go over how I think I will respond over and over in my head, but when I hear a comment, I freeze. I make excuses and say to myself, “They didn’t mean it like that” or “Should I really call this person out in front of everyone and make them feel embarrassed?” The reality is that most people have no idea that comments they make are racist. I would love to say that I have mastered responding to these situations, but that isn’t the truth. It is a work in progress for me, but there are plenty of resources. A couple of books that I have recently purchased are White Fragility and So You Want to Talk About Race. I highly recommend them to anyone else struggling with discussing race with friends and family.
— Jessica
megan
Being married to a Black man, to me, comes with a responsibility. It’s not a trend to jump on, it’s a commitment to learning, defending and protecting. It’s learning culture and history. As a white woman married to a Black man in America, it’s walking into a room full of people and scanning the room for potential allies as well as potential “threats” to his safety. It makes me feel proud to be with him and I am honored that he trusts me to advocate for him and share this life with him.
While I have always been aware of racial prejudice, it hasn’t been quite as impactful until my adult years. Being with Javon has heightened my awareness that not all people have good intentions or have positive thoughts about people who look differently than they do. I’m much more aware of how systems affect minorities and I believe that awareness is contributed to being with a Black man.
We have very consistent conversations about race. And while I’ve always supported him and loved him for ALL of what makes him, him, these events have allowed me to truly show my support for him and everyone who looks like him. We have attended marches together, watched documentaries, read books and articles. These events and conversations have deepened and strengthened our relationship in the best way.
Javon is the most gentle hearted man I have ever met. He is very in tune to his emotions and has taught me a lot about how to express myself instead of bottling things up. This might be a surprise to some based on his build and typical stereotype of men. Initially, it was his mystery and honesty that attracted me to him. I don’t think he wanted anything to do with me and I was curious about him so it bothered me that my curiosity of him wasn’t initially reciprocated. After getting to know him more, I fell for his sincerity and intentionality. I liked that he challenged me and didn’t just tell me what I wanted to hear. His love is all-consuming.
I have had friends share with me their thoughts on the Black community. These thoughts were damaging ideas to have about a racial group. It’s caused tough conversations and relationships to be strained. Thankfully, we have really great support from family and friends and choose to focus our attention on those relationships.
As a couple we have discussed what our future looks like raising biracial kids. I have had moments of feeling inadequate because I know that I will never know what it’s like to be Black so how could I ever relate to them and their experiences. Javon has always reassured me that my love for them and willingness to listen to their concerns will take precedence. We have discussed our fears for our children, if they will be protected and safe in the community we raise them in.
We have discussed in great lengths how we want to instill pride and knowledge of their history so they are well equipped prior to their introduction of Black history during the slavery unit in history class. It’s important to us that they know they came from Kings and Queens before being ripped from their homes.”
— Megan
brittney
I have never thought of being in an interracial relationship as negative. I have realized through experiences you cannot control the attitudes of other people. We have also realized other people’s attitudes and how they judge us can often feel very negative. Historically, there has always been a negative connotation with interracial couples/marriages. I do believe interracial relationships now are likely much less challenging than in my parents time. However, this does not mean challenges don’t exist.
To me ultimately I feel it’s the best of both worlds. It is a blend, a mix of thoughts, ideas, traditions and culture. Although we are both American, we’re both different races who were born with different cultural norms. I think when we are able to get to a place when an interracial couple walks by and it doesn’t make us do a double take or even register, then perhaps we are on our way to full acceptance.
Over the past several months with all of the unpleasant racial injustices it has definitely brought up a lot more discussions in our home especially with recently welcoming our first child into the world. As a new mom, I think it is safe to say we all have fears and worries for our children in today’s world. When it comes to our son who is genetically biracial but appears Caucasian I am not sure what his future will look like. Will he identify himself when he is older as “white” because of the stigmas of being a black man? Can he even call himself African American to others due to his appearance? Does he apply for jobs, colleges, etc. as Caucasian? Does that bring us back to white privilege or black privilege for that matter? Will he get made fun of for having a ‘black’ mom?
For our son, I hope he is able to grow up free from negative race and color influence and marry for pure love just as his mom and dad did. I want him to be loved for who he is. I want him to be proud of his ethnic background, to be treated and loved with dignity and respect. I will teach my son to appreciate beauty which comes in different skin types. I hope you all will do the same.
Loving a man of a different race is no different than anyone else. I have always felt somewhat empowered by being part of positive change, breaking stereotypical barriers. Fortunately for the both of us, our families were fully accepting of our relationship. I have been witness to friends who have had much different responses from family members still to this day which is truly heart breaking. Why is that?
What attracted me to my husband 100% has nothing to do with the color of his skin. We ultimately became great friends prior to dating and eventually getting married. I was and am attracted to his work ethic, selflessness, Christian faith, attentiveness and sense of humor. Those values are learned and taught, not observed or given to someone because of skin color. Having this as a current situation and concern in our home in 2020 is truly so sad. What does this mean to you all? I can only hope and pray our world will be a better place that welcomes and loves everyone despite the color of their skin, background, preferences or looks. I wish we could all show a little more grace towards one another. It is important we continue to lead by example.
— Brittney
sam
I grew up in a family of predominately boys. My mom taught me very early on, “Not to let anyone step on my toes.” I was a super athletic tomboy. I never had an issue speaking my mind, defending myself, or defending others. I grew up with 4 boys and I really didn’t like when things weren’t fair. Which was quite often when you are the odd girl out lol. I had a really hard time accepting misplaced authority especially in regards to things lacking logic. When I was in second or third grade I came home with my first little “boyfriend” who happened to be a mixed boy that lived down the street. I very distinctly remember telling my mom who replied... “Well he can be your friend, but he can never be your boyfriend.” That was my first memory of racism. I don’t think in that moment I even knew that’s what it was but nevertheless, I knew right then and there I would never agree with that kind of thinking not only was it unfair but it also lacked logic.
I was angry and confused and it never made sense to me. The older I got the more I noticed racism within my family. They never “had an issue” with black people or “treated them badly” we were “allowed” to have black friends who my family treated kindly but they were never “good enough” to be anyone’s significant other. That was how my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and brothers were raised and no one seemed to have an issue with that other than me. No one even seemed to acknowledge that racism existed within their own behavior or way of thinking. It became this unspoken undertone that was just understood within our family. “It was just the way it was” and that was that. As a child you don’t have a lot of freedom or hold much power over your own life, however; 7-10 year old me knew no matter your age no one can control the power or freedom of your mind and the older I got the more I grew into my own power and utilized it to break down generational racial barriers within my family.
I met the love of my life when I was 17. He will tell you “it was love at first sight” but I played a very strong game of hard to get and thank God he was persistent. His persistence (while annoyingly frustrating at times) is one of his best qualities. He’s patient, funny, intelligent, loving, witty, supportive, protective, talented, strong, meticulous, brave, thoughtful, and driven. I thought I knew what love was, but it wasn’t until I was loved by him that I truly understood just what unconditional love is.
In 15 years he’s never: raised his voice at me, called me out of my name, or lost his patience with me. And I am not always the easiest person to deal with. I am emotionally high strung, hot headed, temperamental, confrontational, and very outspoken. I am better now, I have grown a lot (thanks in large part to him) but 17 year old me... pshh you can forget it, you couldn’t tell me nothing I was the “pop off queen.” I say all of this to just point out that growing up together is so challenging. Think about who you were in high school and compare that to who you are now in your 30’s. Hopefully you’ve changed for the better, and hopefully you’ve grown in ways that draw you closer to your partner. Luckily we have, and mine has loved me better than any man I’ve ever been with and yet... that wasn’t enough to make my family accept him instantly simply because he was a black man.
We were together for a couple years before I introduced him to my family. I was torn. I wanted to protect him from their ignorance, I was ashamed of my family, and I also didn’t want to have to draw a line with my own family. I was at an age where I had more freedom and control over my own life and I knew there wasn’t much they could do. And I was right anyway, their way of thinking was unjust, illogical, hateful and wrong.
To make a really long story short I had some backlash from some family members who I cut ties with for years because I just wasn’t going to accept their racism anymore to any degree. I had tough gut wrenching tearful conversations with my family (those that were willing to listen) and I had years of silence with some other family members. Despite it all I don’t truly think the real growth took place for my family until after our son was born.
My son... is the best thing that I’ve ever done with my life. He is a pure blessing that brings nothing but joy to everyone around him. He is the very best parts of us. And everyday he makes me so proud to be his mom. His contagious love has mended a lot of the bonds in my family. His love bloomed over our family.
I think a lot of mom’s will admit that they will accept far less for themselves than they will for their children. My family can treat me however they want (figure of speech) and I’ll deal with that but I’ll be damned if they ever get the opportunity to treat my son in anyway thats less than he deserves especially for something like the color of his skin. We live in a world where people of color experience that everyday and it’s unacceptable. It makes me sick. I don’t accept that for our children’s future and a lot of making that change starts within our own families at home. I used to sit at a point of complacency with my family but now I am willing to go to war or cut anyone and I do mean anyone off who thinks racial injustice is acceptable. My son deserves better, the love of my life deserves better, and every other person of color deserves better.
Compassion and empathy go a long way. To my people of color, I will always stand with you. I will continue to learn, listen, and grow in ways where I’m able to use the white privilege I was afforded to fight and do good for and by you. For me that started in my own home, where does it start for you?
— Sam
kayla
